Sara Lobkovich | OKR Expert

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Getting Unstuck: Don’t Go It Alone With Dr. Sherlonda Adkins

Sara Lobkovich
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Feeling stuck but unsure how to get help?

You're not alone - and this episode is for you.

In part two of my powerful conversation with Dr. Sherlonda Adkins, we explore why the journey to getting unstuck shouldn't be a solo endeavor. Learn why it takes most people 10 years to seek professional help, how to find the right therapist (and what to do if your first try isn't a fit), and practical strategies for getting the support you need. Whether you're considering therapy for the first time or looking to rebuild trust after a difficult experience, this episode offers candid insights and actionable guidance for taking that crucial first step.

Episode Highlights:

  • Finding the right therapist and why it's like dating

  • How to have an initial conversation with potential therapists

  • The importance of establishing boundaries in therapeutic relationships

  • Why it's never too late to seek help

  • Building a healthy support system

Common Questions:

  • How do I know if I need professional help?

  • What should I look for in a therapist?

  • What if my first therapy experience isn't working?

  • How do I communicate with my therapist about concerns?

Notable Quotes:

"It's never too late to start. I've worked with patients in their seventies, and my biggest heartbreak is for people to leave this earth without experiencing joy—being stuck and not seeing what it could have looked like." - Dr. Adkins

"The average length of time that it takes for someone to actually seek professional help is about 10 years." - Dr. Adkins

"Before you can actually trust someone, you got to feel comfortable." - Dr. Adkins

Resources Mentioned:

Sara's Links and Resources:

Full Episode Transcript:

Sara: Welcome to the Thinkydoers podcast Thinkydoers are those of us drawn to deep work where thinking is working. But we don't stop there. We're compelled to move the work from insight to idea, through the messy middle, to find courage and confidence to put our thoughts into action. I'm Sara Lobkovich, and I'm a Thinkydoer. I'm here to help others find more satisfaction, less frustration, less friction, and more flow in our work. My mission is to help changemakers like you transform our workplaces and world. So, let's get started

Sara: All right, friends, we are back for part two of our conversation with Dr. Sherlonda Atkins. In this episode, we're going to focus on actually getting help and practical advice for getting unstuck.

 Dr. Atkins and I talk about the importance of therapy, the importance of finding a therapist and mental health providers that [00:01:00] actually work for you and your wiring,

And a few ways to make sure that you're finding a mental health providerwho's actually qualified to help you with what you're struggling with.

Dr. Adkins also has a really inspiring career, so she provides some encouragement and final thoughts on living a life aligned with your unique gifts and talents. So let's dive into this episode.

Sara: You used one of my favorite distinctions, that I do also in my work, is the difference between struggling and suffering. For people who are thinking, "Gosh, I might actually be suffering with stuckness," you mentioned listening to people in your life, hearing what they have to say or observe back to you, Is there anything that you would say to people who just don't know what to do, or they're feeling that stuckness and they have no idea where to begin to get help?

Dr. Adkins: It would go back to getting a therapist. I cannot [00:02:00] stress the importance of that. And the difficult thing—I guess the most challenging thing about therapy—is it's kind of like dating. The first therapist you get may not be the right fit, and it doesn't mean that there's something wrong. It could be a really good therapist, but it just may not be the person for you. But you can have a really good therapist, but maybe theirmethods that they use just don't resonate with you. I've had patients who have said, "I've been seeing my therapist for about a year, but I just feel now,she's taking me or he's taking me as far as we can go. Because now when we go in, it's we're just chatting about life, I don't really feel like I'm moving to to the next level, and I still feel like there's room for improvement." It doesn't mean it's a bad therapist; it could be the one you need for that time. When it's time to move on, it may be time to shift. I would say that's probably the most challenging part, but don't let that deter you. Please start, because when you are at the point of suffering. It's a very vulnerable space. It's a [00:03:00] very delicate space. And when I said having a couple of people who can give you feedback, it's not even necessarily just the people in your family or your closest friends. Because you got to remember that all of us are humans, and all of us have had our own personal experiences. And sometimes people are telling you things through their lens, but they could be speaking through a trauma lens, maybe things that they've gone through. So they're trying to give you advice, but their advice is based on maybe some maladaptive coping mechanisms or strategies they have come up with their head. So that's why you have to be very careful. And so I don't entrust that lightly to just anyone. So, that's why I say get with a therapist. And I'm not a therapist. It's funny because I've had so many people, especially when I launched my practice, who wanted to support me, saying, "Oh, I'm sending you these people." Then, when I get on the phone and ask, "What are you looking for?" it turns out they were wanting therapy. And I'm like, "I'm not a therapist," but, I would say probably about 95 [00:04:00] percent of my patients—I also recommend that they do therapy. Even if I'm only treating them for, let's just say ADHD. And that's it, like no anxiety, no depression, no mood disorders, but just ADHD, because I personally believe that when life starts to move faster than what we can grow roots to support ourselves, it can be very foundation-shaking. It can be very scary, and we don't know when those times will come. So if you at least just have a relationship established with a therapist, or even just had a first session, because for some people, believe it or not, they still think about therapy with the image of what is portrayed on TV, like you may not have to go and lay on somebody's couch and they're going to be asking me about all my childhood, this and that. It's no, it's not that. Just having that, saying that you've been in that space before, so it's not so foreign when and if something happens and then you need to use a therapist and you don't have to wait until you get to the point of suffering or the point of something tragic happening. [00:05:00] But really just somebody to tell you, help you with your perspective.My very first time seeing a therapist, now I look back, is quite comical because I was already working, doing the type of work that I do. And so I had enrolled in my doctoral program. And one of the perks for students was we get a free membership to subscription to BetterHelp. And I was like, "Oh, okay." And for those of you who are listening, if you don't know what BetterHelp is, BetterHelp and TalkSpace are similar platforms where you can do online therapy, and they have different options. if you want to do video, or phone calls, or chats, so it just makes it more accessible. This is 2020, so we're in a pandemic—I've never lived through this before, things are happening—there's a lot of uncertainty. I just leftwhere I've been working for the last five years. I'm starting my own practice.There's a lot of racial injustices going on. I am a Brown woman. I have a husband and a son who I'm thinking like, "if my son wants to just go walk down the street to play basketball, is someone going to, think that he's a threat?" So all these different things that are going on, so I said, if there's ever a good time for me to try [00:06:00] therapy, like this is it. I did the research, and I I want to pick a good one, I want somebody who looks like they are, you know, have credentials. And what that means to me is that they're taking their craft seriously. I am a forever learner, forever student, so I want somebody who adopts that same thing and have to have those same values. So, I went down the list, and then I had my first session. And so, I told her, I said, "I don't have anything like glaring, like a big problem to come to you with right now, but you're the professional. treat me like I know nothing about mental health." And I tell you what, our first session, I'll just go through and tell you about my life. And then you have at it. So, the first session went like that. I'm thinking now she's probably Oh, I had my work cut out for me. Second session though, we had gone to Mexico. My husband and I did a little mini-sabbatical through Mexico that October 2020. So, we came back and she said, "Oh, so how was your trip?" And I said, "The trip was great." And I said, "But, on the couple of days before it was time for us to come back, I started feeling like a little overwhelmed because my niece [00:07:00] called, and she was having an issue. My daughter was trying to figure something out with school. And then I got this email," and so she just listened. And then I told her that I had an upcoming presentation at our state conference, and I said, "I feel a little bit nervous about it." I said, "But I shouldn't be because it's not like someone else wrote this, and I'm having to, do it based on that. I wrote the material, so I shouldn't be nervous." So she let me finish, and she said, "So I hear a couple of things," and then she started talking to me about boundaries. And she also talked to me about the importance of recognizing what I'm feeling. So, she said, "You just told me that you're feeling anxious, but that you shouldn't be. So you're not giving yourself permission to feel." And I'm like, "What?" So, after that session —and listen, I am a good student. Put me in a program or a class or something—like, I'm going to learn. So, she sent me some worksheets, I'm doing the worksheets and then I'm looking up supplemental information. And that was my true self. First, like personal experience going throughboundaries, understanding the different types of boundaries, and [00:08:00] setting boundaries and what it looked like. And then also, mindfulness to understand how I feel. And so, That was like groundbreaking for me. These are things that I told my patients they should do, but going through it myself was a completely different experience, and it makes me a better clinician. And I haven't stopped that journey. have a couple of therapists that I work with, and it allows me to show up better. Not just for myself, but for my patients.

And so to go back to your original question,how do you, if you find yourself suffering, what's the first step? That's why therapy will always be my answer because when we're in that state it's just so important to get connected to the right person. It doesn't have to be the forever person, but at least the right person, who can at least start giving you some tools where you can start to dissect and realize you are not that situation, you are not those feelings, but it's just a filter in which you're viewing life at the moment. And when you can just create just a [00:09:00] little bit of cracking some space between that, then that's where the progress starts, right?

Sara: There's so much wisdom in what you just shared that if you are suffering, find a therapist. And I would say, find a therapist who's not harmful for you. You know, and it doesn't have to be your forever therapist,but it doesn't make sense to be suffering and not get help. That's a health risk.

Dr. Adkins: I and some of my listeners have had therapeutic experiences that might have been harmful. And so once you recognize that, it's not anyone's fault, it's just for whatever the circumstances are. Sometimes you do have to remember that you are a little bit vulnerable, you are looking for help, and you need to find the help that doesn't hurt.

Yes, I love that.

Sara: Before you make the commitment, also asking if you can just do a short, maybe 15-minute, 20-minute. Because believe it or not, your gut—we talk about like guts—so our brain [00:10:00] is not the only place where we get intel, right? It's not the only organ that thinks for us. So sometimes, even just interacting with people in person, or even virtually, or sometimes even on the phone, you can get an idea if this is someone that you feel comfortable with. Because it's all going to come before you can actually trust someone, you got to feel comfortable. So I would encourage even doing a little prescreening call, because therapists will understand. A good therapist will understand that this is a very intimate space in which you're going to be working together, and, and I think most of them probably would welcome an opportunity to meet each other. And then I would also say— at the very beginning—maybe ask how would you indicate to that therapist if you felt like you weren't getting the help that you needed, or if you weren't progressing as quickly or as deeply as you anticipated. And the reason why I said this might be good to ask up front is because I hear it on the [00:11:00] back end when my patients are saying,"I don't think that this is the one for me. I don't think they're helping me." And then I ask, "Have you communicated this?" And they usually say no, because it's very awkward. Because there's this power dynamic, right? and so It's you going up to a parent saying "I think your parenting sucks." It's just an uncomfortable space. So maybe asking that question upfront, before you feel like you're hurting the therapist feelings. And then they can say to you, "Oh, if you ever feel that way, this would be a good way to say it." I might just say, "Be blunt, you're not hurting my feelings at all, just tell me." Others may say, give you some other options, "You can always write a letter, or you can always text, or you can always say, "I feel like I've reached this milestone. What do you see is next?" I think that would also break the ground a little bit because that once you get into something, if it's not working, you have an opportunity To get out of it without it being harmful. And when I say harmful, sometimes patients will just be like, "I just stopped going. I just stopped going to therapy" or, "I just go [00:12:00] and I just sit there because I know I'll shoot, or he's going to just talk about this." And so I just don't really talk about it because I'll have patients tell me stuff. And I'm like, "Are you guys talking about this in therapy?" "No, I don't really talk about my, I don't talk to my therapist about that." And I'm thinking in my mind, I'm thinking, "Okay. What?This is the stuff that you need to be working through." But I also realized, too, again, it's not just skillset, it's gifting. There's a combination of things—there's personality fits. Sometimes I get more of the stuff that should be talked about in therapy.

It'sinsightful. The suggestion to work out at the beginning of an engagement, "What are we going to do if this isn't working for me?" Or "What should I do if this isn't working for me?" It makes me think of one of the lessons I'm learning with my current therapist. She keeps reminding me that therapy is one of the places where we learn how to "relationship." And that idea of communicating about what might happen and planning for it ahead of time applies to all of our relationships.

[00:13:00] is there anything that we haven't talked about that you'd really like to make sure we cover or share?

Dr. Adkins: One thing that just came to mind, I made a little note here for anyone who may be listening and saying, "Oh, my gosh, I feel like I'm so behind the curve on seeking professional help," whether it's therapy or if it's the other side of mental health. We have the therapist, and then we also have the medical providers, which would be like the psychiatric providers —so a psychiatrist, or a psychiatric PA, or a psychiatric nurse practitioner. And so for someone who's listening, it's like, "Oh, my gosh, I think I have been suffering." "Wow, look how much time has passed," I just want to give you the statistic and hopefully, it'll, make you feel better. The average length of time that it takes for someone to actually seek professional help is about 10 years. And I remember when I first heard that statistic, I was like, "Really? Like, how could that be?" Butin clinic and talking to people, I can definitely see how that could be, just because you're suffering at a moment doesn't mean that suffering is for a long period of time. Sometimes, it's alleviated. We get through it and we're like, "Okay," and then things are okay. So maybe at that crunch time, you're thinking like, "I need help," but then it's not as [00:14:00] bad. And then you move on with your life. or sometimes we just get really good. Like we can get extremely efficient at suppressing things. And so we're still able to show up in life. Like we're not curled up in a dark corner, crying, not going to work. We're going to work, we're showing up, we're raising kids, we're doing all of these things. Life might feel a little bit hard, but hey, everybody has a hard life, right? No, everybody doesn't have a hard life. People have difficult things that happen, but some people have different coping strategies, like healthy ones to get through them. So that's why for a lot of people it's the ebbs and the flows of it. And then next thing you know, you looked up and it's "Wow, I didn't know I had been dealing with this for so long." I'll ask patients, "Tell me the first time you felt this way," and they'll go, and I'll say, "Tell me about your high school and middle school." And a lot of them would go back to "When I was in high school... you know what, I really I remember that time when my parents... something happened..." And they'll say I didn't recognize it. They didn't recognize it because, when did we start really talking about mental health? We didn't really talk about that back when we were teenagers. The guidance counselor would come and talk to [00:15:00] us, and they'd be telling us like, "Say no to drugs" and "Don't get pregnant," but nobody really stopped to talk to us about anxiety and depression.

So, I just wanted to say that as encouragement for someone who may be listening to this and feeling like they're behind the curve—it's never too late to start. I've worked with patients like in their seventies, and my biggest heartbreak, I think, is for people to leave this earth without experiencing like joy—being stuck and not seeing what it could have looked like.

Sara: It's just so cool to think about how much access is increased by PAs being able to operate the way you do. So, if listeners have had issues finding help they needed in the past, looking for PAs as an option now, that might not have existed if it was 10 years ago, that you were looking for help. there anything else that you'd like to share with folks?

Dr. Adkins: Look at how you feel. Do you really feel like you [00:16:00] are living the life that you envisioned?I wake up every day, and I'm excited, and I have joy, but it hasn't always been that. It took a lot of work to get there, but I really feel like we all have unique gifts and talents. And the quicker we can realize that we have everything that we need, and just align—have our external environment set up to align with that—it's a recipe for for living a healthy life. And if anybody has any desire, like to dig deeper into that, like I said, I'm not a therapist and I wouldn't be able to treat you medically because as a PA or a medical provider, we treat patients who are located in states in which we are licensed. And I'm only licensed in South Carolina and the U.S. Virgin Islands. But the unique work that I do as an unstuck strategist is it's combining all of my experiences, and skillset, and gifts. And I'm able to work with people, helping them to design a life plan for them. First of all, we identify their sticky thinking, and then come up with strategies [00:17:00] to overcome that, and then design and help them execute a plan moving forward.

So if there's anybody who wants some additional help with that, I'm always available and happy to help.

Sara: And where can people find you if they would like more information?

Dr. Adkins: You can find me at drsherlondaadkins.com, and I'm also on LinkedIn as drsherlondaadkins.

Sara: A huge thank you to Dr. Adkins for fitting this recording in with travel and schedule challenges, and it was just an absolute delight to have you here, Dr. Adkins. Thank you.

And listeners, thank you for joining us for part two of this conversation. If you missed part one, go back and give it a listen. I hope you found Dr. Adkin's insights on recognizing stuckness, seeking help, And some practical advice for getting unstuck that are valuable and helpful.

I just want to reiterate finding the right therapist and recognizing your support system is crucial for your mental well being. And as [00:18:00] Dr. Adkins shared, it's never too late to start. If you enjoyed this episode,

please subscribe, and leave us a review on your favorite podcast platform. It really does help this podcast Be seen and heard by more people.For more resources and how to connect with Dr. Adkins, the full detail is in the show notes.

Thank you for tuning in today. And I look forward to hearing the questions this prompts for you.